Why Can’t I Forgive Myself? The 4-Step "Enright Model" for Releasing Guilt

We often think of forgiveness as a light switch—a singular moment where we decide to let go of the past, and suddenly, the weight lifts. When this instant relief fails to arrive, we assume we are broken, or worse, that we deserve to suffer forever. But in clinical psychology, we know that self-forgiveness is not an event; it is a structured, architectural process. Just as a physical wound requires specific stages to heal—hemostasis, inflammation, proliferation, and remodeling—an emotional wound inflicted by one's own hand requires a specific protocol to close.

The reason you likely feel stuck in a loop of rumination and regret is not a lack of willpower, but a lack of a framework. Without a map, we tend to circle the same feelings of shame without ever moving through them. This is where the Enright Process Model comes in. As one of the most widely validated therapeutic frameworks in existence, it offers a distinct pathway out of self-condemnation. It does not ask you to simply "move on," but rather to engage in deep, often difficult work that transforms how you view yourself and your history.

Understanding the Framework: The Four Phases of Freedom

The Enright Process Model is distinct because it moves beyond simple cognitive reframing and demands emotional engagement. It is widely used in both clinical and self-help contexts because it acknowledges that true healing is a journey, not a destination. The model is broken down into four distinct phases, each with its own psychological tasks (Vismaya et al., 2024; López et al., 2021).²

1. The Uncovering Phase

This is the diagnostic phase, and often the most uncomfortable. Here, you stop running from the pain and instead turn to face it. You explore and confront the emotions you have been avoiding—the guilt, the shame, and the anger at yourself. You also examine the defense mechanisms you have built to survive this pain, acknowledging how the "injury" of your own actions has impacted your health, relationships, and worldview.

2. The Decision Phase

Once the full scope of the pain is uncovered, you reach a fork in the road. The strategies you have been using—self-punishment, denial, or distraction—are revealed to be ineffective. In this phase, you make a conscious, "willful" commitment to forgive. This is not a feeling of forgiveness yet; it is a decision to adopt a new strategy. You recognize the need for an alternative resolution to the toxicity of self-hatred (Nisar et al., 2025).

3. The Work Phase

This is the engine room of the model. Having made the decision, you now do the heavy lifting of reframing. This involves developing empathy and compassion for yourself—not by making excuses, but by understanding the context. You ask: "What was happening in my life when I made this mistake? What wounds was I reacting from?" This phase often involves "moral repair," where you accept responsibility and, if possible, make amends, distinguishing between who you were then and who you are now.

4. The Deepening Phase

In the final stage, the wound begins to scar over—stronger than before. You find new meaning in the suffering. You might realize that your mistake has made you more empathetic to others, or more protective of your values. This phase brings emotional release and a return to hope. It is here that individuals typically report reduced anxiety and depression and a renewed sense of purpose (Vismaya et al., 2024; Nisar et al., 2025).

The "Uncovering" Hurdle: Why We Get Stuck

If the steps are so clear, why do so many of us fail to start? Research indicates that the primary blockage occurs right at the entrance: the Uncovering Phase. Entering this phase requires us to drop our shields, but our minds are excellent at keeping those shields up to prevent us from feeling pain.

Psychological studies identify several key defense mechanisms that predict difficulty in this phase. Suppression and denial are the most common; we consciously push thoughts away or refuse to acknowledge the reality of the wrongdoing to avoid the sting of shame (Agboli et al., 2022; Euler et al., 2024). Another powerful barrier is dissociation, where we emotionally detach or "numb out" to avoid the intensity of the guilt. While this protects us in the short term, it prevents the emotional processing necessary for healing (Cavicchioli et al., 2021).

Perhaps the most tricky defense is rationalization, or "pseudo self-forgiveness." This happens when we use logic to minimize our actions ("It wasn't that big of a deal," or "They deserved it") to bypass the feeling of guilt. However, without true acknowledgment, there can be no true release. Interventions that use mindfulness and emotion-focused therapy are crucial here, as they help individuals tolerate the discomfort of dropping these defenses (Vismaya et al., 2024; Brady et al., 2022).

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The Power of Radical Honesty

Once we lower our defenses, what is the most effective tool for moving through the phases? The answer lies in the depth of our emotional disclosure. It is not enough to just talk about what happened; we must connect with the emotions attached to it.

Research on "suicide loss survivors"—a group often plagued by immense guilt—shows that high-quality, honest self-disclosure significantly buffers the impact of shame. It is not the quantity of talking that matters, but the quality. "Superficial" disclosure, where we recount facts but withhold feelings, keeps shame alive. In contrast, deep disclosure, especially in a validating environment, detoxifies shame and fosters a sense of belonging (Levi-Belz & Hamdan, 2023; Chu et al., 2022).³

This suggests that writing in a journal or speaking to a therapist is only effective if we are willing to be radically honest. When we share our darkest thoughts and are met with empathy rather than judgment (even if that empathy comes from our own written reflection), the shame loses its power. This depth of processing is a key mediator in achieving symptom relief and genuine self-forgiveness (Skalski‐Bednarz et al., 2024; McElvaney et al., 2021).

Does It Actually Work? The Evidence

You might be skeptical that a structured model can handle the messiness of your specific regret. However, the evidence for Enright’s Process Model is robust and consistent. Meta-analyses and systematic reviews report moderate to strong improvements in psychological well-being for those who complete this work (Vismaya et al., 2024; López et al., 2021).

The model’s effectiveness is not limited to minor infractions. It has been successfully applied across diverse and high-trauma populations, including grieving parents, individuals recovering from substance use disorders, and survivors of domestic violence (Nisar et al., 2025). Interestingly, while other models like REACH are effective, some evidence suggests that Enright’s model may outperform them specifically in the realm of self-forgiveness, likely due to its emphasis on the deep "work" phase of reframing compassion (Vismaya et al., 2024).

Moving from Guilt to Growth

The Enright Process Model teaches us that self-forgiveness is not a weakness; it is a rigorous psychological discipline. It asks us to be brave enough to uncover our pain, strong enough to drop our defenses, and honest enough to disclose our shame.

If you are trapped in the "Uncovering Phase," blocked by denial or fear, know that this is a normal part of the process. The path forward involves gently challenging those defenses—perhaps through journaling or therapy—and stepping into the "Work Phase" of empathy. By following this structured path, you are not erasing your past; you are integrating it, allowing you to move forward with a scar that is healed, rather than a wound that is open.

This week, attempt to identify which defense mechanism (denial, suppression, or rationalization) you use most when thinking about your regret. deeply acknowledging your defense strategy is the first step to dismantling it and beginning the Uncovering Phase.

About the Author

Esther Adams, Doctor of Psychology

Published Scholar

Certified EMDR Therapist

MSW, CTMH, CFT, CCTP, CCFP, CMHIMP, ICADC, CPLC, CBDT, CGCS, CAMS-II, CDVS-I, CCATP, CAMC, CSAM-CA, ADHD-CCTP, C-PD, ASDCS, CSTS, CMNCS

Esther is a trained trauma-informed psychotherapist with a virtual and in-person private practice located on a serene horse farm in Sitirya, Israel. Her approach integrates psychoeducation, EMDR, and animal-assisted therapy to help clients heal and thrive.

References

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Brady, D., Saldanha, M., & Barclay, L. (2022). Conceptualizing Forgiveness: A Review and Path Forward. Journal of Organizational Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.2632

Cavicchioli, M., Scalabrini, A., Northoff, G., Mucci, C., Ogliari, A., & Maffei, C. (2021). Dissociation and emotion regulation strategies: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 143, 370-387. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2021.09.011

Chu, T., Sun, M., & Jiang, L. (2022). Self-disclosure in social media and psychological well-being: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40, 576 - 599. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221119429

Euler, S., Babl, A., Dommann, E., Stalujanis, E., Labrish, C., Kramer, U., & McMain, S. (2024). Maladaptive defense mechanisms moderate treatment outcome in 6 months versus 12 months dialectical-behavior therapy for borderline personality disorder. Psychotherapy Research, 35, 529 - 545. https://doi.org/10.1080/10503307.2024.2334053

Levi-Belz, Y., & Hamdan, S. (2023). Shame, depression, and complicated grief among suicide loss-survivors: The moderating role of self-disclosure.⁴ European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 14. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008066.2023.2182820

López, J., Serrano, M., Giménez, I., & Noriega, C. (2021). Forgiveness Interventions for Older Adults: A Review. Journal of Clinical Medicine, 10. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm10091866

McElvaney, R., Lateef, R., Collin-Vézina, D., Alaggia, R., & Simpson, M. (2021). Bringing Shame Out of the Shadows: Identifying Shame in Child Sexual Abuse Disclosure Processes and Implications for Psychotherapy. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37, NP18738 - NP18760. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605211037435

Nisar, S., Yu, L., Iftikhar, R., & Enright, R. (2025). Forgiveness Therapy to Build Hope and Reduce Anxiety and Depression in Battered Women in Pakistan.⁵ Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 32. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.70089

Skalski‐Bednarz, S., Toussaint, L., & Surzykiewicz, J. (2024). Beyond HIV Shame: Effects of Self-Forgiveness in Improving Mental Health in HIV-Positive Individuals in Poland. Journal of Religion and Health, 63, 4232 - 4254. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-024-02084-7

Vismaya, A., Gopi, A., Romate, J., & Rajkumar, E. (2024).⁶ Psychological interventions to promote self-forgiveness: A systematic review. BMC Psychology, 12. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-024-01671-3

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